Nothing and no one could have prepared me for what we found out on March 1st. It was a normal day with my toddler and baby except for the fact that I knew something was "off" in my body. (which my husband had suspicions about the week prior)
Bottom line, I had to know. But everything within me was saying "There's no way."
I was a little over 4 months postpartum - still very much in the thick of adjusting to life with two little ones + just starting to feel a little bit more like myself.
And on March 1st, I starred at 6 positive pregnancy tests. Yes. 6 of them.
I was in total disbelief and shock. I really don't think there is any way to describe that moment and you really can't understand unless you've actually been here, done that.
The weeks that followed were its own type of motherhood whiplash. I felt like I was just coming out of survival mode postpartum and now here I was facing another precious life on the way, yes, but a whole pile of emotions and thoughts that sent me into a spiral of anxiety. I felt like I was suffocating under the pressure of it all.
The past 3 months have been simply put, HARD.
I have been dealing with all the sleep deprivation that comes with having a baby and trying to get longer stretches of sleep + deep overwhelming exhaustion from being pregnant and facing insomnia. Friends, I don't think I have ever been as depleted as I have been the past 12 weeks.
Mentally & Emotionally:
I have been trying to string together so many mixed emotions and thoughts...trying to turn to the Lord when everything seems out of my control.
I think it's always amazing to me how in a moment of time everything can change. When I start to feel like I'm holding it all together, the Lord speaks quietly, "But will you surrender to Me again?"
Having a third baby so close in age to our second born was NOT our plan. We desired more children but holy.freakin.cow.
13 MONTHS is quite a marathon and facing that reality has been the culprit of all my recent anxiety.
"Can I do this again?"
"Am I going to go insane literally?" (you may laugh but...oh that thought has been real)
"But what about some of my other dreams and desires?"
"Can I sustain another life while still in the baby stage?"
"I didn't lose all the weight I wanted to lose before having another..."
"God, did you set me up for failure?"
That one. That last question above has been the most real and most vivid question in my heart.
And His response back to me has been, "No Hope, I didn't set you up to fail. I set you up to know My deep kindness and extravagant love through the people that surround you during this season. I am the One who will sustain this life within you as you care for the children I have already given you. I am the One who will carry you through the darkest of days and nights when all light seems to have gone out. And you will testify to others that I am so faithful."
~Oftentimes all you can do is continue to walk through...Oftentimes courage in motherhood looks like taking the days one hour at a time and trusting that Jesus is filling in all the gaps. Courage in motherhood looks like praying these words, "Not my will be done but Yours." The trials we face are serving us a purpose that can't be calculated by human standards. We don't often see the beauty within the trial until time has passed but the beauty is there and eventually we will see it. We will be able to look up and see the Lord's kindness and miraculous provision through the trial we walked through. And we will see that through the hardship our capacity increased. And maybe this is the greatest blessing of all --> to experience the love of God in ways we otherwise wouldn't if we didn't walk through the trial.~ (a few words written in my journal this week)
I see it now. I see the beauty out of the trial and I know I will continue to...
Please. Don't mid-read anything I have written. We are SO THANKFUL for another little one. Truly. Every life is such a wondrous gift. It's just that my heart and mind have had to play catch up to my reality. I've needed to face many fears and anxieties and through that, the Lord has met me in such a tangible way.
My sleep is healing...
My 7 month old is just about sleeping through the night...
And my heart is lighter...
I am truly thankful for these past months. For I have experienced the presence of God in a way I wouldn't have otherwise.
Baby Noble #3 arriving November 2023 =)
Thank you for taking the time to read, friend.
May you be deeply aware of God's presence and kindness in this season you're in.